So much lovely warmth and support in the comments section.. I check all the time and it's just making me feel so great that you are all facing up to booze issues and helping each other out.. community! Can't wait till we get our new site which will be much more interactive and easy for everyone to use. I've seen some of the graphics now and they look cool.. similar colors to my book cover.. I'll put a sneak peak up soon.
Anyway if I'm brutally honest today I'm super-grumpy and everyone in my family is super-grumpy. It's been the grumpiest morning in the history of grumpy mornings here in this house but thankfully Mr D has now taken everyone away and I've got 3 hours to myself.. to answer emails, write content for the new site and do 3 more publicity interviews for the book. It made it to the bestseller list last week - WTF! - couldn't believe it.. after only a few days of sales.. so that was really exiting.
But I have to be honest I think the adrenaline that has been carrying me through these intense past few weeks has well and truly run out.. my cortisol levels have peaked (I made that up, is there such a thing?).. my synapses are fried (?) and my feel-good hormones have flown the coop (!).. or to put it another way I'm shitty and tired and grumpy as hell.
Don't think I'm being helped by the fact I've been eating CRAP. Lots of wheaty, biscuity, bready, sugary, weighty, heavy crap that always makes me feel sluggish and moody. I now know that I definitely feel lighter and happier if I eat real food - veges, fruit, meat, eggs, nuts, etc etc etc yadda yadda yadda…
(Just had to take a break to do a radio interview with Andy from More FM Rotorua and it was fun! He's cheered me up a bit so thank you Andy..!).
Anyway.. where was I.. oh yeah.. grumpy me. Enough of my moaning..
Had someone put a comment on my last post asking "Is that how you know you are an addict - that conversation in your head? That fight? I am trying to decide if I am an addict or not." and I also received an email from someone else who said; "I always wonder why I can have a few drinks with my partner then he's fine to head off to bed but I can't - I need to administer myself with layers more alcohol - usually stronger versions."
To answer the first question, yes. I think it is that internal dialogue about alcohol that sets us hopeless boozers apart. I don't think Mr D spends any time whatsoever thinking about his drinking. Me.. I spent hours and hours thinking and worrying about my drinking.
And to respond to the email .. you can wonder forever why your partner is different to you when it comes to booze.. but the bottom line is.. he's not been bit by the booze bug - you probably have. Why you and not him..? Who fucking knows!!!!!!!! It's just not fair!! But it's the way of things.. some of us get bit.. some don't.
I think that's the hardest thing about this whole journey.. the point at which we have to accept that for whatever reason or reasons (and they are irrelevant what those reasons are) we are one of 'those' people that alcohol has got it's claws into .. one of 'those' people who cannot control or moderate.. one of 'those' people for whom the combination of alcohol + our brain is not a healthy or functional one.
That point of acceptance is hell and I for one certainly resisted it for a long time.. until I had proved to myself (after many more miserable binges, vomits and intensifying guilt) that it was true. I could not control and moderate alcohol and the only way to win the fight was to take it away.
Then you get hit with the FEAR of facing a life without alcohol (who does that? Who lives without any alcohol ever??!!) and then you get hit with the NERVES about how that is going to happen.. but hopefully somewhere deep down there is also great EXCITEMENT about what might develop as a result of this acceptance.
This post is convoluted because I'm grumpy and tired. Sorry. But just know.. that point of acceptance heavy with fear and nerves and deep misery (because of where the booze has got you to).. that is the magical, powerful, wonderful, sparkly point at which you take control back of your life.
Love, Mrs D xxx